Hello and welcome to Heavens to Etsy! Every Friday, we’ll curate a collection of vintage gems just for you. There will be themes, laughter, tears of joy and many a bedazzled bucket hat. This week, we’re inspecting the necessary accoutrements for the sandy tundra sometimes known as the seaside. 

Ah, the beach. Wind in your hair. Sun on your skin. Sand in your nether regions. It matters not whether your beach persona is Bay Watch Babe or Spongebob Squarepants. On this week’s installment of Heavens To Etsy, we’ve hand selected saltwater friendly pieces for all. Giant inflatable cooler of watermelon margaritas not included. Let’s begin. 

In the event that a violent wind rises on the beach or you live on the equator, there’s this beach robe

This pastel dreamsicle of a bathing costume.

By all means, please wear this one-piece to deliberately misinterpret the term “pinky swear”.

A classy gingham bikini to wear when acting in a highly un-classy manner.

Nothing says “beach day” like a fish joke and a fabricated story about a trip to Bermuda.

Don’t just wear the blue leopard bikini. BE the blue leopard bikini.

Is it practical? In a word, no. Will it turn some heads and teach you some life lessons? Also, probably no.

Here are some beach bracelets for the person who’d rather sit under an umbrella and conduct a Piña Colada taste test.

While we’re at it, here’s another accessory choice for beverage inclined beach goer.

A one-piece for you and a one-piece for YOU.

Do you need a red bikini to sashay across the boardwalk in?

The perfect item to ward off those pesky questions regarding what EXACTLY is hanging under your right armpit.

In case you need a bag that will fit your mini vodka-infused watermelon, there’s this.

Or, perhaps you need a tote for your boat. Maybe a bag to go stag?

Should you purchase these, make sure you explain to the casual observer that they are NOT rose colored glasses and they won’t get off the hook so easily. Finish by staring pointedly at them until they walk or run away.

When somebody compliments you on these, say “Thanks! I sewed them myself!” Grin manically until they walk away.

Please consider these sunglasses. 

C’est fini.