Howdy, sugar! It’s me, Henrietta May Hatterson, THE one and only favorite hat of the rootin’ tootin’ cowgirl legend, Dixie Sue Anne Buckinbroncoson. The two of us together? Oh, you can bet your bottom dollar we made quite the pair. Sittin’ atop Dixie’s golden curls, a stadium of hollerin’ fans surrounding us, well, I was as happy as a hog in mud, you better believe it.
Where’s Dixie now? Well, darlin’, you know she’s just as busy as a hound in flea season, but she’ll be back for me! Yep, you better believe it. You better…you better…
What’s that? Is that Yankee girl with the mousy brown hair and the penchant for wearing people’s unwanted clothing my new showbiz partner? Bless your HEART, no! Oh sweet darlin’ no, you’re confused as a goat on astroturf. No, no, no, no. That girl, she don’t own a hair brush OR a brassiere. Loose as a bucket of soot, that one. Bless her heart. I’d as soon bite a bug than partner up with her, you better BET your bottom dollar on that one. No sir.
….No way in tarnation.
… oh…oh my.
No self-respecting cowgirl hat goes from milliner’s dream to millenial’s greasy hair helmet. No way in hell. Just ain’t done.
IT AIN’T OKAY IT JUST AIN’T.
Woooeeee, I do apologize; I lost my cool for minute there, darlin’! I’ll be outta here faster than a sneeze through a screen door, you better believe it. Won’t be long now until I’m ridin’ the finest steeds instead of the subway. Gettin’ my beauty sleep atop a polished hat rack of the purest gold instead of sharing a doorknob with a ratty old baseball cap and ten different New Yorker tote bags.
You better bless your heart if you think this is my last rodeo. I ain’t stayin’ here with this nutcase.
Bless her heart, though.
Bless her little heart. And your heart.
*Cowgirl hat was found in Austin, TX in a shop called Uptown Cheapskate. The earrings are from Alter in Greenpoint, Brooklyn and the bracelet is from Canned Goods.