Originally, my idea for this Etsy extravaganza was to show a variety of sellers with each installment. Maybe I’d use a theme here and there, like “swimsuits” or “competitive hotdog eating attire”, but not a singular shop for an entire post. That is, until I found Zappa’s Vintage.

I tried and failed to pick just one or two Zappa pieces and stick to my “Etsy variety hour” rule. I’m in a fragile emotional state after seeing so much good vintage in one place, so I’ll get right to the good stuff. Ahem:

I’d really like to know what this vintage bikini does to stay looking so young. Green juice? Pilates? Daily wine cooler??

Wear this hat even though Fourth of July already passed. Tell everyone it represents the French flag, then roll your eyes and eat one of the macaroons you regularly hide in your purse.

Must I really explain to you why you’d enjoy this party purse?

At a certain point, you just have to embrace the whole “hot headed” label people keep slapping on you.

Wear this lingerie robe then treat your sweat slathered L train bench like it’s a chaise lounge.

Should anyone ask why you’re slouching, politely inform them that wearing this many gold chains is quite the hefty task.

Wear this hat when your dominos club meets to plan their heist.

I believe this is THE lingerie top to wear when you passionately declare your love to the ice cream section of the bodega.

Definitely wear this romper when you go for a romantic picnic in the Mohave desert and want to make sure the rescue helicopters can see you should anything go amiss.

When your therapist tells you that red is your color, there’s this.