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A Vintage Robe is Making Me Question My Life
I’ve been given life advice by inanimate objects before. Ice cream serving size suggestions. Stop signs. Targeted ads. But I never thought the most poignant of the lot would be a blue-green vintage robe. Initially, I bought the robe because I thought I’d look like hungover Cinderella in repose after a wild night out with…
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My Gold Jacket Is Thrilled To Meet You
…Oh HELLO there! I almost didn’t see you. Being the brightest Gold Jacket in the world has its downsides, one of them being that sometimes my admirers are obstructed by my shine. What an AUspicious day for you, meeting me like this. I’m thrilled for you! You must have so many questions. Ah, I see.…
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Your Very Own Bath-leisure Tutorial
It’s here: the career pinnacle of the artist formerly known as “Le Bath Towel”. The terry cloth personality was spotted on the December cover of Vogue Paris, lounging atop Rihanna’s earlobes. Dubbed “Creative Director of Bath-leisure”, sources confirm this tantalizing textile is here to stay. While this is all well and good, I had to wonder (loudly…
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Garbage Lady: In The Wild
Amid the baron wilderness of Brooklyn in Winter, a rare sight emerges: the elusive Garbage Lady in her natural habitat. Note how she stands idly on the random street corner, almost as if she has nothing better to do. Is she lying in wait? Stalking prey? Posing for a photo? Let’s move in for a…
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Justin Timberlake Is My Sartorial Therapist
Justin Timberlake: Wait a minute, you ready, JT? The Garbage Lady, née Jennie Thwaites: To sing a resounding duet with you at the Superbowl this year? Born ready, Timberlake. Shall we rehearse now? I’ll lead the vocal warm ups. WEEEEEEEHOOOOOOOO. HAWERRGGGGGGGGGGGH. BAHHHHHHHHHBAHHHBAHHH. ermf Timberlake: … Garbage Lady: You’re right, it’s a poor idea. I remember what happened last time…
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A Few Words From My Red Cowgirl Hat
Howdy, sugar! It’s me, Henrietta May Hatterson, THE one and only favorite hat of the rootin’ tootin’ cowgirl legend, Dixie Sue Anne Buckinbroncoson. The two of us together? Oh, you can bet your bottom dollar we made quite the pair. Sittin’ atop Dixie’s golden curls, a stadium of hollerin’ fans surrounding us, well, I was…
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Thanksgiving Hack: Wear a Tent
I’m taking several preemptive measures this Thanksgiving. Gym in the morning. Viewing of MTV’s “True Life”: I’m a Competitive Eater. For inspiration. An outfit that is festive, yet hangs as far away from my body as sartorially possible. I can’t think straight when my clothing suddenly aspires to be an anaconda and attempts to strangle…
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Coat Remedy
Fall is the season of change. The leaves to orange, the air to crisp and my smile to a grimace. I don’t hide my dislike for the cold. But I do find solace in pieces of clothing that have purposes other than keeping my internal organs from freezing solid. This year, I’ve found two new…
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Winter Survival Hack: Consider a Swimsuit
Your swimsuits texted me; they miss you. Take all the time you need to process that image, but come right back! We have crucial matters to discuss. First of all, on a scale of one to a cow with influenza, how utterly sick of your winter wardrobe are you? If you’re feeling nauseous, due to…
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Buttons: Superfluous in the Face of Silk
Not to be predictable, but I picked this outfit from a garbage bag. Had I an ounce of common decency, I would have prepped for my photo shoot with creative goddess Paige Klingerman by neatly packing two, maybe three outfits in one of my large but sensible tote bags. But apparently, such is not the…